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Neo’s got nothing on Thomas and me!
These ten techniques represent the culmination of decades of study across four disciplines. You will be well prepared should Mr. X ever manage to capture your girlfriend and beckon you to retrieve her from the fifth floor of a pagoda (this very thing happened to me for the second time just last Thursday)! Just remember! With great power comes great responsibility! Please do not sully my name by misusing them! Only use your newly acquired Fists of Fury for defensive and peaceful purposes!
The View Technique, the most fearsome of all
The Enter the Dragon Technique
The Ebony Cross Pushing Up Technique
The Black Cross Tilting Left Technique
So, let’s recap. With four dissimilar fighting forms, I have realized the best and most effective techniques from each. I will share them with you now. Please be advised that you should absolutely NOT skip a tier! Do not move on until you have mastered everything on your current tier. All pupils learn at different rates, so don’t compare yourself to anyone else, you do you. Be all that you can be. Finally, be sure to master the meditative suspension technique by visualizing the level schwarz bar before you being your own training in earnest. Ikimashou!
Unfortunately, the cushy actor's life let me get lazy. “Fat and weak, what a disgrace. Guess the champ got too lazy.” Still, this provided a unique opportunity. A true martial artist looks at an obstacle not as a hardship, but as training in disguise. My father always did say I had a lot of untapped bulk, so I decided that adding wrestling to my repertoire would be the perfect supplement. I devised a way to become both the irresistible force and the immovable object! I learned that by concentrating heavily on a horizontal black bar, I could literally render myself impossible to budge! For that matter, it seemed as if the entire world would freeze in place! Everything would remain paused until I contemplated the black bar again, in which case, life would spring back into action. This allowed me to collect my thoughts and has proven invaluable not only in martial arts, but in nearly every aspect of life.
Next came my (appropriately titled) Kung Fu instruction. It was radically different from my Korean Tae Kwon Do training. While Tae Kwon Do emphasizes speed, Kung Fu prefers circular, centrifugal motions and the Five Animal fighting styles. Before 100AD, the ancient art of Kung Fu was already being codified into “Six Chapters of Hand Fighting.” How apropos! The most important kernel of wisdom I gained in Kung Fu was to visualize a large red circle and think of the concept of “A.” What did this accomplish? Every time I thought of the “A” sinking down, I felt a surge of energy in one of my fists! I managed to maintain perfect control every time, channeling this rush of energy into my arm and jutting it forward like a battering ram! I adhere to peace over power, but bad guys don’t always learn that lesson. In instances like this, I simply picture the giant crimson circle, think “A,” and watch as my fists are hammers, easily knocking away any threat that may come my way!
You no mess with Lo Wang!
If there’s one thing I learned growing up, it’s that the big, bad world doesn’t care about me and that I’ll have to take care of myself. In part because of this realization and in part because of the influence of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I took up martial arts at age 7.
I was so cute! What the Hell happened…?
Wow! I’m impressed! This week, we have another donation. It comes from Brent aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall the way in North Dakota. I’m glad to know that we are loved and appreciated across such distances and that our sphere of influence is growing! Let’s take a look at Kung Fu. It’s a black box NES classic!
Advanced Techniques – Warning! Attempt at your own risk!
The Big Boss Technique
The Robin-B-Hood Technique
The Project A 2 Technique
The Project A Technique
The Charcoal Cross Pressing Down Technique
The Dark Cross Leaning Right Technique
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
I was honestly surprised by the sheer amount of athleticism required to wrestle professionally! It really helped me slim down, but as I entered the twilight of my years, I just couldn’t keep up with the grueling pace. Instead, I determined that it would be best for me to share my accumulated wisdom with the next generation. It offered me a chance to stay both physically and mentally sharp.
I REALLY let myself go. Honestly, it’s hard for me to look at pictures from this era.
Comedy plus action equals win!
Having now mastered the tiger, deer, monkey, bear, and bird forms, and having formulated by own style, called Jeet Kune Do, you would think I was ready to call it a day, but I’m not one to rest on my laurels. Despite being a Kung Fu Master, I decided to continue my training, delving next into Isshin-ryu, or the way of the complete heart. This Okinawan martial art focuses more on the martial and less on the art. It’s super effective! If ever I am attacked on the street, I am likely to fall back on my Isshin-ryu training first. For example, the snapping motion of Isshin-ryu means you need less room for follow through. Similarly, there are no kicks above the belt. I am grateful for my knowledge of Tae Kwon Do and Kung Fu high kicks, but in a down-and-dirty street fight, they lose some of their value. Just before I throw a kick of any sort, I envision a similar large, red circle, but with a key difference. I see a “B” instead of an “A,” and it literally makes all the difference. When I begin thinking of the scarlet disc with the “B,” I feel my leg start to chamber for a kick. When I imagine the “B” falling, that’s when the kick flies! I have identical precision every time, certainly befitting the Karateka I am! I decided to share my talents and gifts with the world, so I entered the field of entertainment. I’d like to think I am a reasonably funny guy and a renowned martial artist, so Hollywood provided me the perfect opportunity to intermarry the two!
What the Hell? This guy stole my look!
Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting!
My Tae Kwon Do training was complete. I knew that I had the remarkable ability to move in four different directions, just based on what I saw in my mind’s eye. When a large black cross tilted to the left, I felt myself move to the left. When it tilted to the right, I moved to the right. Not to remain content with only two directions of movement, I surmised that I could lower my center of gravity if I thought of the cross tilting down. Finally, and this was a highly classified secret (I hear it was found on Hillary Clinton’s server!), I could give myself a momentary feeling of weightlessness – almost as if gravity was temporarily suspended – if I maintained a vision of the large black cross tilting up. This undisclosed technique was only available to 10th dan Tae Kwon Do masters, such as Ki Whang Kim. I knew that I was now privy to some incredibly important information!
Everything I need to know in life, I learned from one of these.
My lifelong love of gaming had already instilled excellent hand-eye coordination within me by this point. Martial arts granted me the confidence necessary to thwart any future victimhood in life. Confidence prevents crime, but in the unlikely event that someone wants to try something, the skills I learned in my training mean that, at the end of the day, I’m going home, not to the morgue. My training also bestowed upon me the gifts of discipline – both physical and mental – and focus. When I closed my eyes, I could practically see everything I would ever need to win any battle I was thrust into.
Guess which one I am!
We are in our third month now, but I don’t believe we’ve been properly introduced. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi...