Hypergonadism – “I’ve got big balls.  I’ve got big balls.  They’re such big balls.  And they’re dirty big balls.  And he’s got big balls.  And she’s got big balls, but we’ve got the biggest balls of them all!”  OK.  I know that’s not actually what hypergonadism means, but it’s still funny!  Hypergonadism really just means that males have lots of testosterone and females have lots of estrogen.  Hmm…  I am stupidly competitive …  And I’ve been shaving since middle school…  Let’s just move on.  Your hypergonadism affected hellspawn really send the enemies flying each time they land a hit.

Normal – “You’re not extra, extra.  You’re so plain Jane.”  This quite obviously has no effect on your youngsters.

The One – “I know Kung-Fu.”  “There is no spoon.”  While this is purely cosmetic, it’s a lot of fun to play with the minimalistic graphics, as if you’re seeing the code that makes up the game.  Just remember, there is only one Matrix movie.  Maybe “The One” is referring to the first movie and not the miserable vomitous mass knowns as the sequels.

Baldness – Chrome Dome.  Cue Ball.  8 Ball.  Mr. Clean.  Homer Simpson.  Lex Luthor.  Yep.  This is what happens when you’re taller than your hair.  You know the type.  Bruce Willis.  Elmer Fudd.  Patrick Stewart.  G. Gordon Liddy.  Stone Cold Steve Austin.  Mr. Magoo.  Yul Brynner.  I’m sure I left out your favorite “bald is beautiful” example, but we could do this all day.  Anyway, the bald among your brood only have to worry about cosmetic changes, so there’s that.

Savant – Savants are skilled at things far beyond what we mere mortals usually are.  82, 82, 82.  246 toothpicks.  Yep!  This game comes with its very own Rain Man!  They also very often have mental defects, leading to the term, “idiot savant.”  Apparently, your savant scions get bored very easily, as they always switch subweapons after each use of one.

Nostalgic –  “Do you remember sweet Michelle?  She was my high school romance.  She was fun to talk to and nice to smell, so I took her to the homecoming dance.  Then I tied her to a chair, and I shaved off all her hair, and I left her in the desert all alone.  Well, sometimes in my dreams, I can still hear the screams.  Oh, I wonder if she ever made it home.  I tell ya…  Those were the good old days.  Those were the good old days.  The years go by, but the memory stays.  And those were the good old days.”  I’ve been accused of wearing my nostalgia goggles more than once.  This sounds like a character trait that Zero Sum Gaming can fully endorse!  Your nostalgic little nippers will see the world as I do, completely in sepia tone.

ADHD – Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.  You almost certainly know the type.  If you’ve spent as much time in the classroom as I have, you certainly do…  Maybe he’s a bit like these guys, or maybe she’s a bit less overt.  Simply put, these are the people who SQUIRREL!  Oh, I’m sorry.  What was I saying?  Anyway, ADHD is a great trait, as whether you’re running from Ritalin or speeding towards the nearest sugar bowl, it speeds up your movement by 30%.  

Dementia –Dementia is another word that really refers to an entire set of mental maladies.  There’s a certain amount of this that is all but expected as we age, with numbers spiking in people over 85.  Your heirs afflicted with this condition will see some enemies that aren’t actually there.  They’re totally harmless, but you don’t know that until you attempt to exchange damage, making this one pretty difficult to deal with.  The way this works in-game makes it resemble Dementia with Lewy bodies, schizophrenia, or perhaps even delirium.  Maybe you should see Harleen Quinzel and have that checked out…

Flexible – I may be way more out of shape than I used to be, but one thing that has really stuck from my years of martial arts training is my flexibility.  Seriously.  You’d be surprised.  I’m not exactly Elastigirl or anything, but I’m still pretty darn commendable.  Your family members who are similarly flexible are able to more quickly change direction while jumping or attacking, allowing them to effectively hit enemies on both sides!

Coprolalia – Translated from Greek, this word literally means “to talk shit.”  No, I didn’t make that up.  It’s often equated with Tourette’s, but they’re not exactly the same.  They’re both tic disorders and they do have some similarities, but it’s not correct to liken them as synonyms.  Bob Saget!  In reality, only about 1 in 10 Tourette’s patients actually have Coprolalia.  This ailment involves the involuntary speaking of vulgarities.  Coprolalia is a blessing in disguise, not only because it allows your chips off the old block to utter any obscenities they want, but also because it reduces hit stun upon taking damage!

Clumsy – Oops.  Sorry about that.  Was that Ming vase important?  Gee, I hope not…  Are you sure you want me to hold onto this hammer for you…?  Um…  Your cat was old anyway, … right?  Your clumsy kids automatically break any destructible objects they pass by and are unable to balance well enough to walk on bookshelves.

Gay – If you’re a dude, you like other dudes.  If you’re a chick, you like other chicks.  Any generations of your family who happen to be gay…  Well, honestly, I haven’t seen this trait do anything.  Like, at all.  Seriously.  I suppose that’s just some commentary built into the game, but it does make me curious if it actually has any effect whatsoever.

Peripheral Artery Disease – This is the term for the shrinking of the arteries on the periphery of the body, namely the arms and (especially) legs.  The decrease in blood flow can lead to pain, ulcers, and even gangrene.  Interestingly, the spike traps in game specifically check for a pulse as their means to know when to strike.  This means they’ll never strike your PAD padawans.

Vertigo – Vertigo is a fantastic movie starring Jimmy Stewart.  It’s also an inner ear ailment.  It usually manifests as the sufferer perceiving objects moving, when in reality, they are not.  It often feels like the victim is spinning, swaying, or sometimes falling.  Dizziness and nausea are common accompaniments.  God help you if you opt for an anklebiter with vertigo.  You’ll play with the screen upside-down the entire time.  Dizziness and nausea are common accompaniments.  

Ambilevous –You’ve heard of ambidexterity, right?  You know, the ability to use both hands equally?  Well, get that out of your head because this is ambilevous.  In other words, you use both hands equally badly…  If you’ve ever heard the phrase “two left hands,” it comes from this word.  Any of your kids who have it will always use their subweapons backwards, such as throwing a dagger behind instead of in front.

Endomorph – If you know anyone you’d describe as “husky” or “big-boned,” then you know an endomorph.  They usually have low metabolism, even to the point that it’s difficult to lose weight.  If you happen to live in America, as I do, then you’ve certainly seen your fair share of beached whales, chub scouts, and generously proportioned folks.  You know, the Bill Dauterive types.  Face it, you’re fat.  Don’t try to sugar coat it or you’ll just eat that, too.  Any of your endomorphic posterity can rejoice!  Their added girth and gravity means they barely flinch when they get hit!

Seen it yet?  Good.  What’d you think?  Oh, wait.  You can’t really respond in an article format.  Nevermind…  Moving on!  Rogue Legacy was a gift from…  Tomix Fitzgomer?  What?  Something really weird is going on here.  First Karlene Catastrophe and now Tomix.  Hmm…  I wonder if he found this while exploring the Tomb of Horrors.  Oh well, a donation’s a donation, so I’ll be happy to cover this game!

Tunnel Vision – Tunnel vision is exactly what it sounds like, a loss of peripheral vision.  This is usually a temporary condition, rather than a full on disorder.  If you’re dead set on wanting to experience tunnel vision, one way to do so is to get really, REALLY drunk. Or you could get a migraine*, those usually do it.  Oh!  You could get extremely angry!*  That’s been known to cause tunnel vision!  Playing with the neurotoxin Mercury can also cause it. Or extreme blood loss. Not sleeping for a while… You know what sounds like a much easier way, though?  Just wear a welder’s mask.  That’d save you a lot of trouble.  Anyway, your tykes with tunnel vision will not get the indicator for incoming projectiles from offscreen.

Hopefully you’ve noticed some of what Cellar Door Games (and, by proxy, The Culture Cache) was up to.  It’s actually a neat bit of commentary that traits we often see as good can be weaknesses in this game, while characteristics we view as bad can be empowering.  In an age of books like Michael Vey and The Ables, this is a refreshing pattern.  In this game, you may actually hope to have children with ADHD and OCD.  Actually, that is the beginning of a pretty powerful successor in Rogue Legacy.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder – About 1/50 people are affected by this.  OCD is a mental disorder predicated on routines.  Most of us have patterns to our daily lives, but the OCD line of demarcation is the degree of difficulty in breaking said patterns.  A normal person may not like it, but can much more easily cope with it than an OCD person.  It’s also closely related to tics with certain other diseases.  If you have to, say, brush your teeth EXACTLY 100 strokes each time you perform the task, you may be a candidate.  Notice that “compulsive” built into the title.  Your obsessive-compulsive offspring MUST SMASH EVERYTHING in the castle.  Doing so rewards them with free MP!

Near-Sighted – Also known as myopia, this malady makes it much more difficult to see distant objects.  Your myopic little moppets will face a blurry world until enemies and objects are dangerously close.

Muscle Weakness – Do you even lift?  These candy-ass girlie men are the Dale Gribbles in your family tree.  While they still deal normal damage, enemies don’t even flinch as they get hit.

Ectomorph – If you know anyone you’d describe as “lanky” or a “bean pole,” then you know an ectomorph.  They usually have high metabolisms, even to the point that it’s difficult to put on muscle.  “I like your skeletal structure, baby!  You’re an ectomorph, no doubt.”  Any of your kin who happen to be ectomorphs will get knocked back much farther when taking damage.

Color Blind – The term “color blind” manages to somehow be a blanket misnomer.  For starters, people who are color blind CAN see color, they just often see certain colors as the same.  Barring one particularly rare form of color blindness, they certainly don’t see the world in grayscale (neither do dogs, which is a rumor that just won’t die)…  Second, color blind isn’t a singular thing.  There are actually eight different types of color blindness I’m aware of.  Tomix knows a guy who’s color blind.  I’ll have to ask him.  Your color blind kids in Rogue Legacy are unfortunately stricken with the one that leaves them seeing a purely monochromatic world.

Alzheimer’s – “I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days.  So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.  Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ‘em.  ‘Give me five bees for a quarter,’ you’d say.  Now, where were we?  Oh yeah!  The important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.  They didn’t have white onions because of the war.  The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones…”  Wait.  What was I talking about?  Your Alzheimer’s affected adjuncts will be unable to remember the full map, but the mini-map will work just fine.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome – If the term “irritable bowel syndrome” wasn’t appetizing enough for you, this goes by another name:  “spastic colon.”  Yep!  That’s so much better!  This can cause physical and social discomfort in reality.  Fear not for your frequently farting family members, though.  Other than the occasional butt burp (that’s always good for a laugh), this has no other effect.

Congenital Insensitivity to Pain – Pain is important.  “Life is pain, highness.  Anyone who says differently is selling something.”  It’s nature’s way of saying, “Stop doing that, you idiot!”  Your CIP children are basically little John McClanes.  It may sound as if this empowers them, but it’s a hindrance in disguise, as it hides your HP bar from view.

Alektorophobia – Better known as fear of chickens.  And, yes, it’s a thing.  Hell, triskaidekaphobia (fear of the number 13) is a thing, so is alektorophobia all that weird by comparison?  I wonder who has it worse, somebody with this fear or Ranma Saotome, who has ailurophobia (fear of cats).  For your descendents afflicted with this, all chicken drops are actually enemies who must be killed before they can be consumed.  This is a double-edged sword, as it does mean items normally associated with healing can now kill you, but because they’re considered enemies, it also means you can leave them running around as a means to “store” food until it’s later needed.  I’m just glad my progeny can’t inherit my omphalophobia.

Glaucoma – This is the disease that seemingly every stoner on the planet has.  …  Right…  “Nudge, nudge.  Snap, snap.  Grin, grin.  Wink, wink.  Say no more?”  Actually, there really is a genetic component to glaucoma, so any of your in-game future generations should look out.  The entire world becomes as dark as The Darkness area for those afflicted.  Interestingly, the minor class can still use its headlamp to brighten up everything.

Dwarfism –If you’ve stuck around a site predicated on general nerdery such as this, then the concept of dwarves needs no explanation.  Whether you’re picturing Bilbo Baggins (a hobbit, yes, I know... but as Leonard Nimoy was so fond of reminding us, he was only 3 feet tall, well below the 4’10” measurement to qualify for dwarfism), one of Snow White’s friends, Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz (and a wonderfully fun game!), Swiftian Lilliputians, Tyrion Lannister, or Gary Coleman (or your preferred midget), you get the idea.  Your dwarven offspring have the ability to squeeze into tiny places, often garnering extra treasure.  They’re also much smaller targets, but they do give up significant range in melee combat.

Lysdexia – Conrtary ot popluar beleif, lysdexia ahs nohting ot od wiht intellgience.  Orn deos ti ahve ot od wiht ayn visaul impariments.  Ti si teh reslut fo teh brian’s inabliity ot porcess lanugage.  I ahve ahd amny stduents wiht lysdexia voer teh yaers.  Althuogh ti affcets emn nad woemn ta abuot teh smae rtaes, ti si cumh mroe cmomonly diagonsed ni emn tahn woemn.  Lysdexic peolpe rae otfen vrey intellgient.  Yuor lysdexic littel noes iwll ese ni gmae txet liek tihs.  

Eidetic Memory- If you’ve ever heard of photographic memory, this is it.  Science claims that it doesn’t exist, but *pshaw* what does “science” know?  Actually, when I was a little whippersnapper, I used to love the F encyclopedia (that’s an ancient book series that was kinda like today’s Wikipedia, only more factually accurate, better written, and less open to the daily whims of our SJW moral authoritarians of the day…) because it contained depictions of the flags of every single country on Earth at the time (ha ha, Czechoslovakia and East Germany!).  As we were in the car one time, my parents were astonished at my ability to correctly recall and identify a surprising amount of them.  Even today, I’ve had a student who was an auditory learner, but also possessed a photographic memory.  At my workplace, there’s a person who ALWAYS notices every minute detail.  People often mess with him, moving a pen on his desk ¼ inch to the right, etc. and he literally always notices.  Part of the problem is that the “test” for it literally demands perfection or it’s deemed a failure, and even when that perfection happened, they threw it out because the testor and the testee (heehee, testee…) were married.  Admittedly, this does bias the results, but still.  That same “science” seems to accept echoic, or audiographic, memory, so it makes me wonder.  Presidential candidate Ted Cruz actually seems to have an echoic memory.  But now I’m way off topic.  Those who emerge from your loins bearing eidetic memories will flawless remember the position of every single enemy they’ve ever seen, each of which will be marked on the map as a red dot.

Far-Sighted – These adept eagle-eyes can see just fine far off in the distance, but anything up close quickly becomes blurred.  This is reflected identically for your far-sighted family members.  As enemies and objects get close to them, they become blurry.

Dextrocardia –Just like Fortune from Metal Gear Solid 2:  Sons of Liberty!  Dextrocardia is an extremely rare condition in reality where the heart is on the right side of the body instead of the left.  You little dickens with dextrocardia have their HP and MP stats swapped.  This can lead to some very strange characters, such as mages with low mana who can tank or extremely frail barbarians.

*The Culture Cache doesn’t really care what you do in your spare time (other than reading our awesome articles and watching our amazing videos), but we do feel at least some obligation to remind you to not actually do this.  This is our way of covering any and all bases that we did not instigate you doing (or not doing) anything because you read it here.

Another common aspect of roguelike games is that the death of your character is basically inevitable.  You either win the game or you WILL die in the semi-random dungeon.  Rogue Legacy is no exception, in fact, early on, you will die A LOT!  But it offers a truly unique take on this idea and that’s what really sets the game apart.  When you die (and you WILL die!), Lady Chun Li IV (or whatever your character was named) is gone for good, but fear not!  One of her children will take up the cause in her stead!  Each character is survived by three children (upgradeable to six), and you get to choose which one will attempt to tackle the castle next.  But these differences are much deeper than a simple name and appearance change.  There is a pool of 36 possible traits and each child will have two of them chosen at random.  These quirks often significantly alter how a character is played, so choosing which of your heirs will carry on your quest is an absolutely essential part of the game.  Let’s examine them now!

Rogue Legacy is a “Roguelike” dungeon game, although it prefers to call itself “Rogue Lite.”  These games feature a semi-random dungeon.  Each time you enter, the location will be different, but within a certain set of parameters.  For example, a roguelike dungeon may always have beastly enemies for the first five floors, robot enemies for the next five, zombies for the five after that, etc.  Settings are similarly semi-random.  A merchant could appear somewhere on every third floor or something like that.  This is clearly reflected in Rogue Legacy, as there are four very distinct areas of the game:  The Castle, The Forest, The Maya, and The Darkness.  How these places are constituted and populated will change with each playthrough, but they’re still generally in the same areas.  The Castle is central, The Forest is to the right, The Maya is up top, and The Darkness is down below.

Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity – Abbreviated as EHS.  Those afflicted report headaches, rashes, muscle spasms and sleep disruption due to the effect of electromagnetic fields.  Quick!  We need a law to ban Wi-Fi!  Your EHS offspring apparently give off enough electricity to keep the platforms you normally have to strike in order to unfurl open all the time.

Stereo Blind- This is a condition in which a person is incapable of seeing three-dimensional images, but otherwise has two working eyes, so Leela doesn’t count.  These people will not get to experience the full pleasure of the 3DS.  Your stereo blind seed will not see any animation of any enemies or objects turning around.  Instead, enemies will appear to “flip” to face the other direction.  If you’ve ever played any Paper Mario games, it’s something like that.  Technically, this is a negative, as certain enemies can turn their bodies in such a way as to appear invisible to these poor people, but I actually really like the effect and often actively choose children with it just for fun.

Hypochondriac – *cough cough*  OH, GOD!  I HAVE PERUVIAN DEATH FLU!  Yep.  These are the folks who routinely self-diagnose via webmd.com.  If you’ve ever met a woman who’s afraid she has testicular cancer, you’ve either met Bruce Jenner or one of these folks.  Your hypochondriac heritors, like their real life counterparts, blow things waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out of proportion.  They take damage as normal, but the amount displayed on the screen will be two entire digits higher than the actual number received.

If you enjoyed last week’s video on the Steam Controller and wanted to know more about Rogue Legacy, then you’re in luck because it just so happens to be the topic of this article (just in case the title managed to elude you somehow)!  If you haven’t enjoyed last week’s video on the Steam Controller, why not check it out now?  It’s ok.  I’ll wait.

Gigantism – If you’re not visualizing André the Giant right now, you are wrong.  “Anybody want a peanut?”  Unlike dwarfism, I was unable to pin down an exact height that qualifies people as “giants,” rather, it seems that the Occupy movement got ahold of the definition, pegging it to anyone in the top 1% of their race, sex, and environs.  Does this mean that among African pygmy tribes, virtually all people are either considered dwarves or giants?  The giants among your later generations may be larger targets, but at least they will enjoy a longer stride and an increased range to their sword swings.